Holding Both: The Grief and Gratitude of Being A Mother

The Grief and Gratitude of Being A Mother

As I sit, staring at a blank screen attempting to write this, and rapidly approaching my second Mother’s Day as a mum of 2, I’m confronted with a confusing mix of emotions, spanning from blissfully content with the life I have so carefully created for myself, and immensely sad. 

 I’m incredibly proud of both of my children – my eldest being 13, my youngest 17 months – both of which I genuinely consider to be gifts sent down directly from God.

But that incredible sense of pride I feel toward my children, together with a heart truly swelling with unconditional love and a desire to keep them both safe in my figurative grasp until they have children of their own is – at this very moment in time – also met with a feeling of unmistakable emptiness. 

You see, almost a year ago, I fell out with my own mother and haven’t spoken to her in any way, on any platform, in all that time.

The specifics of why and how it came to that are not necessarily important, but the impact and gravity of that decision are. 

When I made the choice to explore Christianity, inspired by my partner and his own relationship with God, I never thought I’d quickly find myself having to fight my case for peace and love with those who were supposed to love me unconditionally. 

Perhaps naively, I assumed that those around me would be happy for me, or at least respect my decision and even want to know more about what brought me to it. 

Unfortunately, that wasn’t quite the case and, here I am approaching Mother’s Day, so happy and fulfilled with so much of my life – my wonderful children, my loving partner, my career and my developing relationship with God – but without my own Mother to celebrate with. 

And, although that carries with it a deep sense of loss and sadness – believe me, at times I have felt like I was grieving for a loved one who had passed on – it has also shown me so many beautiful things:

But, as difficult as going “no contact” with my Mother has been, the experience as a whole has brought me closer to God, and made me even more sure that this is a path I want to pursue. 

For God’s love is enduring, he loves me as I love my own children. And I shall celebrate this on Sunday, alongside everything God has given me.

To anyone else navigating a ‘quiet’ or complicated Mother’s Day: may you find that same enduring love.

John 14:27: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

---

About the Author