A Pastoral Letter on Feeling Deep Grief and Neglect
In the aftermath of a profound and sudden bereavement, the silence of those around us can often hurt as much as the loss itself. When friends and church members seem to move on or fall quiet out of awkwardness, feelings of neglect and worthlessness easily creep in. Writing to Zeb following the tragic loss of his father, Oggy offers a tender, highly personal response rooted in his own seasons of sorrow. Through striking stories of unexpected encouragement – from nighttime dreams to a message on a passing stranger’s T-shirt – Oggy reminds us that while human support may fade, God’s love, value, and presence remain absolute and constant.
Dear Zeb,
A sense of neglect and being undervalued when feeling deep grief is a perfectly normal emotional reaction. In fact, our emotions go all over the place when we grieve. First, let me say how sorry I am for your personal sudden loss of your dad in such a tragic accident. Although I gather it was now some months ago, your feelings are still raw. Let me try to bring some comfort from my own experience as this is what our Father God Who is full of compassion and comfort encourages*.
Many people, including those in your church, don’t know what to say for fear of seeming ‘shallow and trite’. It can appear that they are uncaring and self-absorbed. Whilst this may be true of some, it’s likely that for the most part they feel awkward. Whatever the actual reason is, likely differing from person to person, the impact on you is real – that of feeling nobody cares, that people have moved on, leaving you with that sense of being unvalued and neglected. It’s good that you’ve had the handful of close friends who still listen and interact – thank God for them as a special gift. Not everybody has close friends like that.
My own experience has been that people make an effort in a crisis – the flurry of sympathy cards, flowers and sometimes a thoughtful prepared meal. Understandably, these are short-term. Something I came to realise is that God is our perfect Father who never ignores, never switches off or moves on from us. He knows the comfort we need and His timing is perfect. Here’s three real examples from my life that I hope will encourage you Zeb.
Some years ago when I was struggling with pressures as a full-time church pastor, I was overwhelmed with personal sorrow and feeling under-appreciated. One night, I had a vivid dream in which God gave me the bible verse reference of John 15:9 but not what the actual verse said. As soon as I awoke, I looked it up as it was still very fresh in my mind:
‘”As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love”’.
These direct words from Jesus ministered right into my bruised soul. As I thought about the love between Jesus the Son and God the Father, I realised there is no deeper profound and enduring love possible, anywhere in all of time and space. Jesus was telling me that He loved me this way and wanted me to remember it always. I treasured the verse and reminded myself of it when I was feeling low. As a child of God, Zeb, the same verse is given to you. Even when other people neglect or overlook you, Jesus gives this assurance of His love and call to remain within it – your identity, value and purpose is forever secure in Christ even if other people let you down.
Not long after that, I was visiting a church on holiday in Wales. They did an interesting thing as part of the service, inviting people to the front to pick a laminated verse from a basket. All the verses were different but we were to select without rummaging and choosing. I went up and picked two, without looking, one for myself and one for another person sitting next to me. When I returned to my seat, I gave one slip to my neighbour and wondered what my own verse would be. I could hardly believe it: ‘”As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love”’ (John 15:9). Like most people, I need reminding of these things but this was an extraordinary way God had reminded me, and now is reminding you.
God reminded Moses and through him, He reminds you and me of this: ‘“Be strong. Take courage. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t give them a second thought because God, your God, is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you.”’ (Deuteronomy 31:6 The Message).
You may be surprised Zeb, but I was feeling worthless and unvalued just a few days ago. Our enemy knows our weak points. Well anyway, I was walking down for a quick look at the sea and bringing my feelings to God in prayer before getting on with the rest of the day. As I was doing this, two women overtook me. They were busy chatting away with each other when I noticed that the older one of them had a large message in bold capitals printed on the back of her T-shirt:
‘TO THE PERSON BEHIND ME READING THIS – YOU ARE AMAZING, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU ARE ENOUGH’
Zeb, you can imagine my reaction of wonder and joy. I’ve never seen a T-shirt like this before but it was like God saying to me again that He loves me, He values me, He is sufficient for my every need. You too are amazing as you are made in the image of God, as His child you reflect His glorious beauty and His grace is completely sufficient for you (2 Corinthians 12:9).
When my own Dad died, I was greatly comforted because, like your Dad, mine was also a Christian. The powerful verses of comfort to me and to you at such a time are these:
‘No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord’ – Romans 8:37-39.
Our certainty in this helps us in grief. God always cares even when it seems like others don’t.
Zeb, I hope that sharing something of my own experience will bring comfort to you. Remember, God sees you as amazing, beautiful and enough.
Your friend and pastor,
Oggy
* ‘Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ’ – 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
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