A Pastoral Letter For When It Feels Difficult To Forgive
Forgiveness is one of the greatest challenges we face in our relationships; especially when the hurt feels one-sided and unresolved.
When trust has been fractured and emotions run high, the idea of reconciliation can feel almost impossible, yet avoiding forgiveness carries its own heavy cost.
This letter reflects on why forgiveness matters, how God sees it, and how choosing grace can open the door to healing where bitterness once took root.
Dear Nick,
When you say that you are struggling to ‘forgive’, it is understandable because it’s one of the hardest things for every one of us to do. It is particularly hard when you feel that the wrong is all on the other side and there is little evidence of genuine sorrow from those who have so badly hurt you. Those circumstances that led to this sad family rift seem to have built such big walls that nothing short of a miracle could bring them down.
Here’s a tough question for you: where might this spiral of recrimination and bad feeling go unless the cycle is broken?
Consequences Of Holding A Grudge
The truth is that when you hold a grudge, it holds you. Your own sense of well-being and peace has been lost as the grudge begins to dominate your thoughts. It may well already have been affecting your sleep. One danger is the build-up of vengeful thoughts that lead to you writing things you may later regret. You say you’ve already had an unpleasant letter and have been tempted to write back in the same vein. I urge you not to do so – at least, if you do write something, sleep on it, re-read it and consider the next day whether or not it will help to send it.
Two To Tango
Trying to understand why this has happened when you feel in the dark is hard. True empathy can bring insights as you put yourself in the other persons’ shoes to see why they might be feeling aggrieved. Is there anything at all that could have given them a reason to take offence? Remember that before all ‘this’ happened, you did have what appears to be a good set of family relationships.
What Is Your Goal?
Those who are children of God should surely want what He wants rather than being driven by our own passions and emotions. That is easy to say but here are some things God says about it:
- ‘Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us’ – Romans 5:7-9
- ‘Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation’ – Luke 11:4
- ‘Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you’ – Ephesians 4:32
God’s Take On This
If God had waited till we were ‘ready’ and had already stopped causing Him grief through our sin, He would still be waiting and we would still be lost in the mess of our own doing. The measure of our thankfulness to God is to forgive others as He has forgiven us. After all, it was God Who made the first move towards us who have clearly been in the wrong.
Two Outcomes
One possible choice is that of non-forgiveness. You can see that this is not the route that will give glory to God. What it will do is drive down deeper the destructive roots of pain and bitterness.
The second choice is to choose to forgive and in so-doing to bring glory to God for it shows His grace and His character. You cannot do that in your own strength but through prayer and His empowering, you can do that. Even if it is not received in the way you think it should be, you will have played your part well. Eugene Peterson gave a lovely paraphrase of the well-known verse that urges us to live in peace with everyone so far as it depends on us (Romans 12:18). He put it this way: ‘Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”’
Leaving the judging of right and wrong to The Judge is wise. Showing kindness where it is not deserved is likened to heaping burning coals on the undeserving person’s head.
The Key
Unlocking a door is done by using a key rather than ignoring it or hiding it. Forgiveness is the key here – to change relationships, to bless the other peoples’ lives and to deepen your intimacy with God. It is not a key to use lightly or flippantly – the cost of it must be counted. So Nick, I encourage you to think carefully, to pray for help and then use this key with godly expectation.
Be An Overcomer
If you will have the courage, humility and grace to forgive from your heart, then you are following Christ. Just listen to God’s Word on this:
- ‘Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good’ – Romans 12:21
- ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God’ – Matthew 5:9
- ‘We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God’ – 2 Corinthians 5:20
- ‘Love is patient and kind, not jealous, not boastful, not proud, rude or selfish, not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs’ – 1 Corinthians 13:4-5
Joel’s Advice
Back in Joel’s day, locusts would descend on fields of crops and devour them. Today, locusts still devastate crops in Africa and the Arabian Peninsula. And yet, when people make godly choices and show mercy, this is what happens:
‘I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten— the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm— my great army that I sent among you’ – Joel 2:25
Top tip – you do your part and see what God will restore to you!
Nick, I know there’s a lot to think about here so take time and feel free to come back to me. There are many examples of people who found grace to forgive and it led to wonderful healing – look up the likes of Maximilian Kolbe, Pope John Paul II and Corrie Ten Boom. This is actually a time of opportunity for you.
Your friend,
Oggy
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