What Adoption, Trauma, and Faith Teach Us About God’s Unfailing Love
Through both her work and her family life, Sally has walked closely with children who struggle to trust; children whose early experiences have taught them that love can be dangerous and connection unsafe. In this reflection, she draws from those moments to explore how our own wounds and fears can shape the way we relate to God, and what it means to trust the One who never leaves.
Sitting with a young male teen, whose parents had kicked him out of home and didn’t want to know him, I wonder, as his social worker, how I can connect with him. He refuses to look at me or acknowledge me so I try to empathise with how he might be feeling in that moment. My empathy is met with an aggressive rejection, “F**k off!”. I tried to come too close, too quick. My advance was seen as a threat. A reaction all too common for children who have experienced a breaking of that one bond that should never be broken, the bond with a parent.
As an adoptive parent I have this trauma to navigate at home as my own children perceive my attempts to love them as a threat, not to be trusted. Most children who have experienced neglect or abuse from a parent will grow up with the view that the only person they can depend on is themselves and they hold onto a deep mistrust of any other person who tries to show love to them.
This always leads me to think, how many of us struggle with exactly this in our relationships with God? How many of us carry scars from our lives either from parents, other relationships, or experiences which then hinder our ability to trust God with everything and be vulnerable enough to submit to Him in everything? How many of us would rather depend on ourselves than God?
Why don’t we trust?
Like traumatised children, at the root of this mistrust can be a fear of rejection. The thought that, “if I don’t make myself vulnerable then you cant reject me” or, “if I reject you first then you cant reject me and I can avoid being hurt again”. This rejection can come in many forms, no perceived response to prayers, no perceived solution to difficulties, God being to blame for disappointments as well as thinking that God and other Christians would never accept you if they knew the real you.
Why should we trust?
Choosing to be vulnerable and show someone your true self is incredibly life affirming when you receive acceptance in response. If we cant do that with God, we miss out on the intimate amazing loving relationship you can personally experience with Jesus as well as the deepest acceptance you could ever experience.
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7
The wonderful truth is that Jesus accepts us, He accepts you just as you are because we couldn’t have been much worse when Jesus chose to save us. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Ephesians talks about this being a gift of grace, not earned through anything that we did (Ephesians 2:1-9). God loved us at our worst, while we were still sinners and saved us, accepted us and adopted us into His family which was all made possible through what Jesus did on the cross. If God didn’t reject us when we were at our worst and outside of His heavenly family, He will not reject us now He has brought us into His family, His acceptance never depended on us, it always depended on what Jesus did at the cross and that can never be undone, so our acceptance by God is secure.
Adoptive parents are constantly standing firm on their love for their deeply mistrusting traumatised children. They keep loving and being present when their child unleashes terror, fear, anger and abuse on them and when those children have shown their worst selves, adoptive parents acknowledge and accept those emotions.
“I can see you are so sad right now and you’ve asked mummy to put you out in the street tonight because you don’t think you deserve any love and mummy hears that and thinks that must be such a hard feeling to feel. Mummy is going to stay with you while you feel so sad so that you don’t have to hold it alone.”
If flawed human beings can parent like this, how much more can God, our perfect adoptive parent reaches into our pain and fear and hold us up. God sees your pain, your failures, the things you feel ashamed of and as your adoptive parent, He says, “I can see your pain/ anger/ shame and I will stay with you and if you let me, I can take it from you when you are ready. I will never leave you, I will never abandon you”.
There’s nothing more precious to me as an adoptive parent than those moments where my child dares to be honest and real and trust me. Therefore I cannot help but be moved by how precious it must be to our Father God when we take Him at His word, believe Him and step out in faith!
About The Author
Sally is an adoptive mum to two children and wife to Andy.
She is an ex-social worker and currently serves in pastoral and safeguarding roles in her local church.
Her interests include fostering and adoption in the church and raising up female leaders.
In her spare time she enjoys animals and outdoors.
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